Story of my life and my everyday stuggles with mental issues ( Please Read especially for anyone dealing with their own issues)
by Teresa Criner on Sunday, July 18, 2010 at 12:26am
Alot are going to think I am crazy for putting all of this out there but to me talking about it actually helps and getting the word out does to. It makes people understand me more and know where I am coming from.
My childhood was not the easiest by any means. I had a mom who had her own mental issues which made it very hard to have the love I needed from a mother. I always had to take care of myself and see how miserable she was. We moved around alot more times then I can count. I went to 12 different schools and because of that I never truly made any friends my whole life. I was never taught how to love anyone. I dont recall much of my childhood the farthest I can go back is when I was 7yrs old when we lived in El Paso Tx. I do remember some good times. I use to blame my mom for everything but I dont anymore. I still cant imagine how she had no idea that her own child was being abused. See my step father who I always thought as a dad had sexually abused me from 12-16. I was always ashamed of it and wonder why me. It sickens me when I hear about children who had to deal with this. Because of this I have a hard time trusting anyone around my children especially men. What made it worse was there were 2 other guys who tried stuff on me to. I thought why was God punishing me what had I done to deserve this miserable life I had.
When I was 16 I was living with my Aunt Donna ( god rest her soul) because my mom had been stationed in GA for the army. I stayed with her so I could finish school and so did my brother who was 3 at the time. She had ask me some stuff and I denied it at first but finally told her. We had taken my stepdad to court but he was let off due to no evidence and witnesses. I guess they thought I made the story up. My brother lived with my aunt for awhile and my mom hated her family for it. But to me it was the best thing because she stayed with the creep. I still dont understand why but she did. She later left him when she went to Korea for the army.
So I moved to KC that summer of 1995 I had to deal with a whole new school and it wasnt easy especially when your 16 but looked like you were 12. I was always afraid of what others would think of me and even at 31 my self esteem is very low. I was probably the only 16 year old who had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone. I always felt weird and an outsider. I tried my best to be happy and not let others know I was dealing with any issues.
I was so bad that in May of 1996 I took a ton of pills to end my life. I was so sick of life that I wanted all the pain and suffering to end. For some reason God didnt think it was time for me to go. I wish my dad had forced me to get help then or at least admitted me to the hospital just maybe I would of gotten help sooner. My whole life changed when I met a guy who was much older then me in Sept of 1996. Little did I know what I had. He always loved me and treated me well. He knew what happened to me a few weeks after we met. I remember him crying about it and I knew he was the one for me. I loved him but never truly gave him the love he needed. Like I said love was hard to me. He made me happy and gave me a reason to live. I know am in love with this guy and been married for 11 yrs and will be together almost 14yrs. Its the one true thing God gave me. I sometimes think I went through hell to meet him. Had I not moved here I would of never met him. He has given me three children. He loves me for who I can be and not my faults. He took his wedding vows seriously for better or worse and I know I have had more worse then better. I am the lucky one to have him in my life
I have lost lots of things because of my issues. A few jobs because I cant get along with others. I have really bad anxiety that I seldom get out of the house. I cant work due to my mental status. I know alot will say your just lazy its all in your head ( in reality I guess it is) but you know what I mean. It really hurts when others dont understand me and it breaks my heart.
I was in denial so long and use to scream and yell at those closest to me. I have no idea how my husband dealt with me but he did. Somewhere he knew I would get help and be better. I finally admitted on Jan 18 2010 that I Needed help. I was on a emotional roll coaster and thought about death almost every single day. I finally admitted myself to a hospital and got the help I needed. It was very hard at first and it still is. I am not ashamed to let others know that I have mental issues. That is what is screwed up about todays society. We are shunned so much because others are afraid of us.
I was diagosed as being Borderline Personality disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder ) and I did lots of reading about it. It really explained alot to me and I understood that was what I Had.
I also suffer from PTSD where I get flashbacks at the worst times I can. I have really bad social anxiety and have been known to have panic attacks. I suffer from MDD or major depressive disorder. Medicine can only do so much for me and I know for the rest of my life I will always be this way. I do have memory issues and did before taking the meds.
I do not wish this on anyone and to those who do suffer I feel for you its a tough life to live. Everyday is a struggle I have my good days and my bad. I have issues with sleeping and have to take stuff to sleep. I also sleep sometimes all day and have to force myself to get out of bed. If it wasnt for my family I would never function.
If I do post negative things just know its one of my bad days and I dont realize what I am saying half the time.
If you have gotten this far and read my story then thank you
If you are thinking I am just crazy and lazy and its just something I want to complain about please take me off your friends list I dont need people like you anyways.
To anyone who also suffers just know you are not alone and there are people who do understand. I am always here if anyone ever needs to talk I understand what you are going through and if I ignore you please dont think I am ignoring you.
My childhood was not the easiest by any means. I had a mom who had her own mental issues which made it very hard to have the love I needed from a mother. I always had to take care of myself and see how miserable she was. We moved around alot more times then I can count. I went to 12 different schools and because of that I never truly made any friends my whole life. I was never taught how to love anyone. I dont recall much of my childhood the farthest I can go back is when I was 7yrs old when we lived in El Paso Tx. I do remember some good times. I use to blame my mom for everything but I dont anymore. I still cant imagine how she had no idea that her own child was being abused. See my step father who I always thought as a dad had sexually abused me from 12-16. I was always ashamed of it and wonder why me. It sickens me when I hear about children who had to deal with this. Because of this I have a hard time trusting anyone around my children especially men. What made it worse was there were 2 other guys who tried stuff on me to. I thought why was God punishing me what had I done to deserve this miserable life I had.
When I was 16 I was living with my Aunt Donna ( god rest her soul) because my mom had been stationed in GA for the army. I stayed with her so I could finish school and so did my brother who was 3 at the time. She had ask me some stuff and I denied it at first but finally told her. We had taken my stepdad to court but he was let off due to no evidence and witnesses. I guess they thought I made the story up. My brother lived with my aunt for awhile and my mom hated her family for it. But to me it was the best thing because she stayed with the creep. I still dont understand why but she did. She later left him when she went to Korea for the army.
So I moved to KC that summer of 1995 I had to deal with a whole new school and it wasnt easy especially when your 16 but looked like you were 12. I was always afraid of what others would think of me and even at 31 my self esteem is very low. I was probably the only 16 year old who had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone. I always felt weird and an outsider. I tried my best to be happy and not let others know I was dealing with any issues.
I was so bad that in May of 1996 I took a ton of pills to end my life. I was so sick of life that I wanted all the pain and suffering to end. For some reason God didnt think it was time for me to go. I wish my dad had forced me to get help then or at least admitted me to the hospital just maybe I would of gotten help sooner. My whole life changed when I met a guy who was much older then me in Sept of 1996. Little did I know what I had. He always loved me and treated me well. He knew what happened to me a few weeks after we met. I remember him crying about it and I knew he was the one for me. I loved him but never truly gave him the love he needed. Like I said love was hard to me. He made me happy and gave me a reason to live. I know am in love with this guy and been married for 11 yrs and will be together almost 14yrs. Its the one true thing God gave me. I sometimes think I went through hell to meet him. Had I not moved here I would of never met him. He has given me three children. He loves me for who I can be and not my faults. He took his wedding vows seriously for better or worse and I know I have had more worse then better. I am the lucky one to have him in my life
I have lost lots of things because of my issues. A few jobs because I cant get along with others. I have really bad anxiety that I seldom get out of the house. I cant work due to my mental status. I know alot will say your just lazy its all in your head ( in reality I guess it is) but you know what I mean. It really hurts when others dont understand me and it breaks my heart.
I was in denial so long and use to scream and yell at those closest to me. I have no idea how my husband dealt with me but he did. Somewhere he knew I would get help and be better. I finally admitted on Jan 18 2010 that I Needed help. I was on a emotional roll coaster and thought about death almost every single day. I finally admitted myself to a hospital and got the help I needed. It was very hard at first and it still is. I am not ashamed to let others know that I have mental issues. That is what is screwed up about todays society. We are shunned so much because others are afraid of us.
I was diagosed as being Borderline Personality disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder ) and I did lots of reading about it. It really explained alot to me and I understood that was what I Had.
I also suffer from PTSD where I get flashbacks at the worst times I can. I have really bad social anxiety and have been known to have panic attacks. I suffer from MDD or major depressive disorder. Medicine can only do so much for me and I know for the rest of my life I will always be this way. I do have memory issues and did before taking the meds.
I do not wish this on anyone and to those who do suffer I feel for you its a tough life to live. Everyday is a struggle I have my good days and my bad. I have issues with sleeping and have to take stuff to sleep. I also sleep sometimes all day and have to force myself to get out of bed. If it wasnt for my family I would never function.
If I do post negative things just know its one of my bad days and I dont realize what I am saying half the time.
If you have gotten this far and read my story then thank you
If you are thinking I am just crazy and lazy and its just something I want to complain about please take me off your friends list I dont need people like you anyways.
To anyone who also suffers just know you are not alone and there are people who do understand. I am always here if anyone ever needs to talk I understand what you are going through and if I ignore you please dont think I am ignoring you.
1 comment:
Mental illness affects so many people in lots of ways. Some of the things you said really touched me, as I too have been a victim of abuse from a very young age. I am 55 years old, and still have flashbacks, but I can tell you that it does get better with age, a loving family, and God. I want you to know that you are never alone in all this. Just at my job alone, there are several women that have been victims of sexual and or physical abuse. Hang tough girl. I care and so do many others. I admire your strength and ability to just put it out there, it helps to deal with things. I have always had a tendency to bury all my thoughts and anger and then it creeps out in ways that are not to pretty. Keep it up. Awareness is the key. God Bless you and your family. You can post this to your blog if you want, I couldn't figure out how to respond. Sometimes computer stuff gets the best of me. Lol.
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